Sir Squid

So this is where I'm going?

Work is going good. By good, I mean busy and I have tons of job security. I even have the opportunity to work some overtime to earn some extra cash. A couple of extra hours a week and I can easily take off a few extra days on a longer vacation. But for now, I'm moving into a "work hard, party hard" kind of lifestyle. Not what I was expecting, but I figure it's time to try new things. If it turns out not to be my thing, I can always dial things down. For now, I'm going to try for doing more cons, more traveling, more seeing people. So far my taste of it has been pretty nice. Maybe it's a bit of catching up with years of studying and working.
Sir Squid

You can't compalin about my attire, this is OSHA required

The irony -- and my life is nothing if not full of irony -- is that my newfound globetrotting direction is wearing me out. This is, of course, much better than being worn out by real problems in life. But here I am, slightly stressed about getting everything done I want to before flying off to Atlanta. I will, of course, get it done; I just wish I had time to do other stuff in the middle.

I would be a fool to think I'd have tons of time to play Sim City if I got it.

But these are mere inconveniences, nothing like the real problems life can throw at you. So, I can't say I'm unhappy, just busy. But I think once I get into this new groove, I'll be all A-O-K. Just need to see how things go.
Sir Squid

Changing the World isn't Easy

Work is really pushing on me. I'm working voluntary overtime, what amounts to probably two or three hours a week. Given that I normally work nine hour days, it means a few times a week I end up coming home fairly late. And then still have those dumb adult things to do before giving time to fun stuff. But oh well. These days I fall asleep easy and awake ready for the day. If anything, I may actually be getting a bit less sleep than usual.
Sir Squid

(no subject)

2013 may be the year I feel like I've accomplished something fundamentally important. Yes, I've accomplished many things before, and important things amongst them. But some time this year, I think I'm going to be able to stop, take a breath, and think, "this is it, I'm here." Granted, this isn't exactly anything exceptional. If anything, it's remarkable only for how common it is. But I remember for how long I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever have the "everyday" things, like a career, home, all those supposedly-evil material things I like, etc. So many times in life it's felt like it never would happen.

Because of doubt. I've never thought of myself of fearful, paranoid, or pessimistic. But it's been a really long road to get past doubt. It was always there, waiting for a chance to take away whatever positive feelings I'd managed to have. Of all the problems I've faced, doubt has been one of the smallest. But it was so persistent. I'd just deal with it each time, or be forced by a bigger problem to put it aside. But now, finally, I feel doubt isn't something that holds me back any more.

It's been slowly pushed back for a long time now. No special event or epiphany. For a long time now it's been little more than an occasional bother instead of the looming monster it once was. But what has helped, at least recently, is learning to recognize something in other people. I suppose the best way to describe it would be "camaraderie." It's something more general than friendship or trust or more intimate such things. It's also from coworkers, strangers, people you talk to only for a moment. A recognition of empathy, no matter how brief or lasting, perhaps. Whatever it is, it's the opposite of doubt, I suppose. Whether it's always been there and I've only recently learned to recognize it, or it's only recently something that has been available to me, I like it.
Sir Squid

You're still here?

I don't know if being social is a new need that I've developed, or something that I've had and previously suppressed, ignored, or satisfied by other means. As a random thought, though I hardly saw any of them, when I had three roommates I think that idea of sharing a living space with others helped. In any case, I've come to realize that one of the best ways to get out of a rut is to just get distracted for a bit. Getting stuck in my own head makes it hard to distract myself.

And while this may seem obvious, I really don't think it's been true in the past. Previously, being social while stuck in a mental rut made me feel more stuck, not less. It felt like a struggle to play by the right rules while already under my own pressure. Perhaps it's just a long-needed improvement for myself, but as much as I enjoyed social situations, I felt a great bit of trepidation, too. It was much more like a gamble, something that could as easily make me feel better as worse.

I know that a bit of this change is because of my "new" job. I am now in many more ways at where I wanted to be in life than I have at any time in the past. Much like latter Final Fantasy games, the early parts of my life have always felt very linear and constrained, with a certain specific path set before me with only little room for variation. But I'm now free to explore more, given a choice on how to balance my life and career, my future and present.
  • Current Music
    Passion Pit -- Take a Walk
Sir Squid

My secret is hidden within me. None will know my name.

The advice usually given is, "live for today, not tomorrow." I can't say that I should have followed that advice, but I can say for certain I generally didn't. I've spent most of my life making sure that my future would be secure. While it may have ultimately been a mistake, I invested my time into what would be to come instead of what was here today and gone tomorrow. I believed that one day, I would be at a place where tomorrow would come.

Call me shallow, but I got to thinking about this because I was talking about our long con history with a friend. I'm just not going to conventions as often as I used to, despite them having played a big role in shaping my life. Not that things don't come and go; most things do, and for me as well. But other things just came into play, things I needed to do. School, work, life, etc. It's something I still love doing, and see no reason not to continue.

I've found that I've been most satisfied with life when I've done things... not impulsively, but more on a whim. When your mind is going hither and thither, discrimination will never be brought to a conclusion. I'm in a place where anything reasonably likely to happen, I can deal with. That certainly hasn't always been the case, but -- in short -- over the last few years I've really managed to get my shit together.

It's not a new balance in life I'm looking for, either. Quite the contrary: a balance is bringing existing elements together in a better way. I'm looking to do more, make more of life.

As a child I was told television would rot the brain, that it was more of an evil necessity than something of any good. And, as a result, as a teen and later an adult, I've come to love watching television (and similar activities) to a degree that my parents would have thought unhealthy. Similarly, I was brought up to be extremely unassertive. Other people were just right, or if they were just wrong, you never should contradict them. That was a hurdle that took a lot longer to get over for many reasons, though probably mainly because I didn't even realize how much it was damaging me.

But I finally have. I got a terrible start to life, and once I realized that I've been trying to catch up since. But I've been running, and running, and that's the pace that makes me comfortable. I've seen this kind of zeal in many other people, and only recently have I realized it's the same thing in me. Take away a person's childhood, and they will spend the rest of their life looking for it. Can't say whether or not I'd have liked my life to have been easier. As much as many parts have sucked, it's that same thing that's made me strive for that much more.

That would all be a pretentious way to say, "I'm gonna go to more cons again." And that's not really what it's about. It's about the outlook I'm striving for, the outlook I think I can achieve. Something that involves finding the joy in little things, and building targets for the big things.

As a side note, since LiveJournal is dying, I've turned to using it as it was originally envisioned, a journal to keep thoughts written down, which happens to be online and shareable. So, here's some words from Courage Wolf.

  • Current Music
    Space Lion -- Yoko Kanno
Sir Squid


I happen to have written quite a bit of somewhat philosophical stuff and kept it all private here. It's interesting to go back and read, mainly because it's still how I feel today. Maybe it's time to share. (It's not about me in any way, just general things I wish people understood better.)
Sir Squid

(no subject)

I feel really busy these days.

Other than common distractions (Halo, work, etc.), I really have a lot of projects I'm trying to get done: write a multicast network protocol, set up a webcam for the Nebraska house, write up a paper on internet safety, and write up an automatic batch processing script for con photos. Amongst other things.

Also, I was informed that housewarming parties need to be within a year of moving in, so that pretty much puts me sometime in March at the latest, which I think is completely doable.

Also, Adventure Time season opener was pretty awesome. Kinda messed up, too, but awesome nevertheless.

I'd put political stuff in a cut, but lol nobody reads LJ anymore. (That is, I forgot the syntax and can't be bothered to look it up.)

If you go to you'll see some pretty funny/sad stuff. The only point I have to make is that for all the things they could legitimately criticize Obama for, they go for the things that aren't true. Their bubble of fake news has finally turned on the neocons, placing them so out of touch with reality that they can't deal with it.